Sookie and Lafayette’s grief: Dealing with two recent murders (Jesus and Debbie), the two find themselves in each other’s need as Tara lies on the floor dead. Pam comically arrives and in festive spirits, but not to turn Tara. She obliges but requests a favor down the line – an early segue into future troubles that could be avoided (again). Both Laf and Sook breakdown afterwards, but his ‘Color Purple’-esque dirty bathtub scene is poignant but still laughable. When Tara awakens hungry, Sookie must be thinking #dejavu – I think she’s been drained by every major vamp on the show.

Vamp Life Post-Nan: The AVL come to arrest Bill and Eric for Nan’s murder, but are derailed by Nora – Godric’s second child. In an effort to help an already tense situation, Nora helps them escape, and rewardingly fucks Eric through the night. While in hiding, the duo also learn about Russell’s escape, and Eric seems pretty damn shook. When attempting to flee the country as Marcellus Clark (Bill) and Ike Applebaum (Eric), they are captured by the AVL – this time for good.

Jason’s declining sexuality: In an #extrmegaynessreveal, Rev. Steve Newlin (now in vamp form) advances on Jason, but even Steve’s newfound glamouring abilities couldn’t make him turn fruits. Jessica eventually arrives to protect her lover, and Steve’s emphatic “I love you” after his invitation is rescinded is priceless. The save here is key, but his relationship with heroine Jessica has consequently shattered his relationship with Hoyt. Jess, the #interimqueen of sorts, and Jason, the #machosheriffking, seems perfect, but his sexual ploys reach an all-time low when he turns down sex from a drunken sorority girl. I was patiently waiting for the gay excuse, and couldn’t believe his response (“your stomach looks better than mine”).

The wicked werewolves: Supersexy Rikki commands the pack to find Sam, and blames him for their packmaster Marcus’s death. After kidnapping him, Rikki and Marcus’s mother Martha (played by the legendary Dale Dickey) still threaten to harm Luna and Emma. A stern interrogation leads Martha to her fallen son’s body, and they find Alcide and Luna ready to fight for Sam. Alcide takes the blame for killing Marcus, and after a cry of betrayal from the other wolves, they shift and eat their packamster’s remains. Alcide’s actions against the pack carries just as heavy as Bill and Eric’s actions against Nan, so I’m waiting to see how interesting this will be come season end.

Other plots: Holly’s kids (Wade and Rocky) find Sargeant Andy and their mother post-sex, coming from a “hunting trip” – I’d bet $100 they were hunting with wooden bullets. Terry’s relationship with fellow war veteran Patrick gets weider and more intense, and is somehow tied to a series of fires. Judge Clements arrives at Merlotte’s and asks Andy for a favor, and invites him out “for a drink or two” after agreeing. A strange scene is introduced in which a man is fed to an unknown supernatural (possibly Russell)

In all honesty, the fifth season premiere is one of the best premieres for the show to date. So many unanswered questions were segued into easily, and left just enough room for development and intertwining plots. I can already see a tiny thread between the werewolves-Jessica as queen-Jason’s time in Hotshot allusions, and we damn well better see some voodoo magic from Lafayette. If they decide to introduce other supes, I’d like to see more ghosts and possibly a succubus or two. The writers do a great job of filling in gaps left from previous seasons brilliantly with this premiere, but the obvious point between recording seasons four and five are clearly evident (see Lafayette’s difference in acting styles, Tara’s new and improved weave, and Luna’s weight gain). But the most exciting part of the episode (Tara’s fate as a vampire) was definitely the hardest pill to…process. I’m hoping her development as a vamp is just as prominent in this season as Jessica’s was in seasons two and three, because without her and Lafayette, Sookie doesn’t stand a chance.

“If you can use your magic hands or your super snatch to heal Eric…” (Pam)

“Radar on the fritz? I don’t know why but you tickle my hang, Louie Bellefleur” (Judge Clements)

“We done with all the supernatural bullshit, you heard me. No vampires, witches, ghosts, no maenads, and no muthafuckin’ werewolves!” (Lafayette)

“I am wearing a Walmart sweatshirt for yall. If that’s not a demonstration of teen spirit, then I don’t know what is.” (Pam)

“We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions.” (Eric)